Furis: Vhat Now?

[orochigeese]

*Scene opens in front of a large building as we see a familiar looking man walking, muttering to himself. Could this be the fabled NDP narrator who's been missing for months?*

"I arrive late Friday afternoon to NDP headquarters. It's closed, boarded shut, with just a single note on the door. Something about boss Moto being kidnapped by amazon women or being shut down by the CIA or the NDP intraweb breaking or something. One less paycheck for me but I haven't minded. Why not? Cause I haven't had to deal with that Furis fruitcake since JANUARY. Amazing how time flies though and we can't appreciate just what we have until its taken away. In this case, that applies to sanity."

*I go around the back and there I see the sight I was called here about. Jakob Furis has set up a small shanty town with a tent and some other supplies. He's rubbing his hands together near a fire and looks more crazy then usual. I shrug my shoulders and approach.*

"Furis? What the HELL are-"

*Furis immediately runs up to me, puts his hand over my mouth, and drags me into the tent.*

Furis: "YOU!! What are YOU doing here? Are you behind this!?"

"If by 'this,' you mean me COMING here, then yes. Guilty as charged."

Furis: "Tell me vhat has happened! Vhy have I heard nothing from NDP for months!?"

"There's been some trouble in NDP. But I have some useful information. I tried to go to your NYC apartment to tell you last week but your neighbor said you had gone missing. Then NDP called me and said some of the local landowners were complaining that you were "squatting" here and disturbing their business."

Furis: "Business!? Vhat I vant to know is vhy NDP has Forsaken me!?"

"Forsaken happened already, I think you're talking about Tribulation."

Furis: "Huh?"

*At this point I begin to look around Furis' tent here and realize that its not that big of a drop from his old apartment. As such, I quit the joking and get right to the point.*


"NDP is still in business and remains interested in you for reasons beyond my feeble human comprehension. But since they are not able to put on shows right now, they want you to get some in ring experience...aside from that dusty local gym near you. A new promotion has opened up recently under the direction of OrochiGeese. He apparently has some connection to Moto and the two arranged for you to wrestle some matches in UBL until NDP gets back on its feet."

Furis: "Ubble?"

"No..."U, period, B, period, L, period.

(I had to LITERALLY spell it out for him...it IS Furis, after all)

Furis: "Vhat does that mean?"

"The UBL is the Universal Battle League. It is owned and run by OrochiGeese and apparently he has set up something called an "Open" show. It's intended to feature talent from other promotions. And NDP decided to pawn you off to Geese for a bit and make HIM handle you."

Furis: "But...vhat about Evan Divine!? Von't I get a chance to unleash my evil on him!"

"As long as you continue to avoid personal oral hygiene!"

Furis: "Human toothpaste does not vork to erase a mouthful of blood."

"No, but dental insurance does. I hear UBL has a good plan which is not surprising since they're run by a sugary cereal corporation and probably don't want to get sued."

Furis: "Forget that! Vhat about Divine!? I must fight him!"

"Ok, listen....you and Evan Divine will not be facing each other for a LONG time. So you can either bitch and moan about it or actually get into a wrestling ring and learn what to do when you DO face Divine. And even start to learn how to apply that knowledge you have from those wrestling DVD's I gave you."

Furis: "Did you vatch Raw? Great Khali destroyed everyone and everything!"

"Including the ratings for next week. I'm guessing you'll have a similar effect in the UBL."

Furis: "But I do not want to go to UBL. I want to fight Evan Divine."


*Stubborn little vampire, isn't he? I had to think of a plan quickly. But, luckily, UBL's questionable booking gave me an idea.*

"Hey Furis? How is your castle in Transylvania doing?"

Furis: "Just fine, vhy do you ask?"

"Well, I was just thinking...it would be a real shame if something were to happen to it while you were away. Something bad like, oh, i dunno, INVADERS."

Furis: "VHAT!? VHAT IS THIS MADNESS YOU SPEAK OF!?"

"It's just...oh, i'm sure its not a problem, never mi-"

*Furis grabs me by the throat as his rotten teeth approach*

Furis: "YOU TELL ME VHAT YOU KNOW OR I VILL END YOU VIGHT NOW!"

*Fine, fine...apparently, your castle is in danger."

Furis: "From who!?"

*Get the cymbals ready folks cause here comes the punchline*

"By ROMANS."

*Furis looks shocked and finally removes his gradually loosened grip from my throat*

Furis: "VOMANS!?"

"VOGANS?"

Furis: "VOMANS! VHAT ARE VOMANS DOING NEAR MY CASTLE!? VOME HAD FALLEN! It's just part of Italy now! The Vatican is the only threat in Vome!"

"Well it looks like you've been missing out on the news since you started living here...seemingly with no access to the outside world. Cause you see, the Roman Empire has come BACK!"

Furis: "NO! That's IMPOSSIBLE!! My ancestors helped the barbarians destroy it!"

*Oh shit, this moron isTOTALLY playing into my hands now*

"EXACTLY! That is why they have come back! To take revenge on your kind! And YOU!"

Furis: "No! This can't be happening!"

"They know all about you. And their leader, a Roman Centurion named uh, Centurion, has gathered them all up and is planning on taking over your castle!"

Furis: "I must stop them!"

"It's ok, Jakob! I have an idea!"

Furis: "Vhat is it? VHAT!? VHAT!?"

"It just so happens that the Roman Centurion...has ALSO agreed to fight in the Universal Battle League!"

Furis: "And that is vhere I am supposed to go!"

"A+" for attention span. Or "ASS" for attention span sucker! Since you're a vampire and you totally suck!"

Furis: "Yes! I do! And I know what I have to do now! FIGHT the Centurion and KILL him!"

"Well, take it easy on that second part..."

Furis: "NO BODY invades the House of Furis!! It has been in my family for centuries! I vill not be the one to lose it! If I did...I vould be a laughing stock!"

*Awkward pause*

"Uh yeah...and YOU clearly have no idea how THAT feels!"

Furis: "I vill go to the UBL and challenge this Furis!"

"No need, as OrochiGeese apparently was sympathetic to your concerns and has actually set up a match next month between you and the Centurion!"

Furis: "Excellent!! Now, vhere IS the UBL?"

"It's in the Peter Venkman Memorial Arena...which may pose a problem for you since it was named after a famed Ghostbuster. You may not be able to enter-"

Furis: "I am not a ghost! I can fight anywhere!"

"It's north of NYC. Move back into your old apartment and you'll be fine within a guano stone throw away."

Furis: "Then to the UBL I vill go! Once I am finished killing Centurion and crushing the vomans, I vill then come back to NDP to fight Evan Divine! First the Vomans, then HEAVEN ITSELF will fall to me!"

"Very good, very good. Just don't screw around in UBL or OrochiGeese will have your throat..."

Furis: "I fear no man."

"Then your stay in the UBL will certainly be an interesting one. See ya later fruitcake"

Furis: "I am NOT a fru-"

*I exit the tent as Furis finishes babbling and starts to gather up his stuff. Let's just hope he pisses off the wrong person in UBL. If he doesn't get dropped on his head by OrochiGeese at some point, then I'll be utterly shocked and disappointed. More disappointed though.*

[orochigeese]

*Immediately after the UBL June Open Show, we see a triumphant, but hobbling Jakob Furis leaving the arena. He's caught up to by his narrator acquaintance...*

*Furis, hey, you!! Stop!"

Furis: "Vhat are YOU doing here? Come to congratulate me on my epic debut victory!?"

*Frankly, I've already repressed the fact there is a wrestler more pathetic then you...but hey, good job there. I think NDP may actually pay me a bonus for getting you prepared enough to get a victory for them on this show. And the fact you won your first match...that's as scary as you say YOU are!*

Furis: "A-HA! I knew they vould be proud of me! And I vill continue my vinning vays against Evan Divine!"

*Not so fast there, I told you NDP still needs some time. Plus, you gotta worry about your CASTLE.*

*Furis looks concerned*

Furis: "Have you heard anything new? I tried to get information out of Centurion but-"

*Centurion has already retreated, Jakob.*

Furis: "He has!?"

*Furis has a confused expression but then shakes it off with he sees the narrator grinning at him*

Furis: "I mean, YES! He now fears the might of Jakob Furis!! After tonight, he knows not to-"

*No...you don't GET it. Centurion and his 'forces' retreated long before tonight. There is another threat to your castle. A threat so dangerous and unscrupulous that it will take all your energy just to HEAR it.*

Furis: "Vhat is this threat? I fear nothing!"

*The FRENCH*

*Furis looks scared*

Furis: "The...the french? What do THEY have against my cast-"

*Not the entire country. Just one mad, MAD force of evil. A force of evil so dangerous and unscrupulous that it will take all your patience just to hear me repeat that very phrase!"

Furis: "Who is it alveady!?"

*What do you get when you mix a frenchman, a mime, and SATAN?"*

Furis: "An interesting party?"

*NO! The insane demonic french mime wrestler, Marquis de Douleur!!"

Furis: "HIM!? But vhat does HE vant with Furis castle!?"

*He wishes to unseat you and control the most evil palace in the world!! Furis...this is a battle MUCH more dangerous then against Evan Divine's forces of good or Centurion's forces of Roman history! Right now this is a battle of EVIL vs. EVIL and YOU are one of the aforementioned "evils"!*

Furis: "I must defend my castle at all costs! I must tell UBL to ma-"

*To make you a match against the Marquis? I think that can be arranged. In fact, it HAS been arranged.*

Furis: "But...how?"

*I told you Jakey, you're the only one without any access to the outside world. EVERYONE knows that your castle is now being attacked by the mime forces of the Marquis. Check out this UBL flyer PROVING it:*

*Furis is handed a flyer from a few weeks ago that shows the Furis vs. Marquis match for the July Open.*

*I think UBL wanted to give you a chance to clear your head against Centurion before you heard about this. But now...now your greatest challenge is ahead of you!! One that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that UBL thought it would be funny to put a vampire and a satanic mime in the ring to see what happens while NDP just sits back and laughs! NOTHING at all to do with such lies and false allegations!!*

Furis: "Oh I know. This is serious! I must prepare for this satanic french mime. I vill fight him in a month! After I beat him, I vill question him as to vhy he wants my castle!"

*Well I already TOLD you why...but don't you GET it? He's a f'n mime! He's not gonna answer you...*

Furis: "Oh he'll answer...with BLOOD!! That he vill! There is no escape from my superior evil!! I vill make his throat sing vith my fangs! Then I vill beat him and protect Furis castle once and for all!"

*Furis storms off angry, then realizes he was kicked in the groin earlier tonight and hobbling again...*

*Man, I can't BELIEVE Furis just keeps falling for this 'castle invasion' bullshit...any more then I can believe he actually WON his first match. Maybe NDP will change their mind about his usefulness, but I certainly haven't. So it won't be long til I find a way to get him back to Transylvania for GOOD.*