Post by orochigeese on Dec 18, 2006 3:36:41 GMT -5
*Sigh* Here we go again. I'm in NYC and currently on the way to the apartment of NDP's resident "vampire" freak, Jakob Furis. Despite past situations, I can't help but feel some kind of excitement as to how Jakob's "training program" has gone..heh heh. And I want to get his, most likely unintentional, comical reaction as to the recent announcement at Maelstrom of his opponent for Tribulation, Evan Divine*
*As I go up the staircase to his apartment, I'm met by a somewhat familiar face, Furis' neighbor.*
Neighbor: "Hey! Aren't you da guy who do the interviewin for that fruitcake neighbor o' mine?"
*Yes...unfortunately.*
Neighbor: "Well he ain't here right now. I think he went to his gym."
*A gym...that he can AFFORD?*
Neighbor: "How do I know, buddy? I'm just his neighbor! I think it's some run down place a block over. He's been going there a lot."
*How do you kno-?*
Neighbor: "Cause he keep tryin to tell me bout it! I don wanna hear it but he don evar shaddup!"
*So..he's training hard...*
Neighbor: "Who do I look like? Mickey from Rocky? Just go to da gym and find out, ok?"
*Ok, ok, um, thanks. And just between you and me, if my plan works, NEITHER of us will have to deal with him much longer.*
*The neighbor smiles a look of recognition*
Neighbor: "Ahh, you gonna rub him out, huh? I don't know nothin bout that... *touches his nose*
*No...nothing that violent...but far more humorous. Thank you for your help sir*
Neighbor: "Fuhgettaboutit!"
*Thanks but I'd prefer to repress it. Later.*
*I leave the building and walk down the street until I see a building with the word "Gym" on it...with the "G" and "Y" slightly askew..ok, UPSIDEDOWN. This must be the fine fitness establishment that Furis is currently a member of. I hold my nose in anticipation and walk through the doors in fear.*[/i]
*Ugh...I've seen cleaner public restrooms... I've SMELLED cleaner public restrooms then this place. A rank odor resembling a microwaved turd in a sweat sock greets me as I recoil back and grasp for the remnants of outside air. The man...troll...worker in the front asks me what I'm here for. I identify myself as "a concerned friend of humanity" and receive a dirty look. I say I'm here to rid NDP and the US of a vampire and he immediately perks up and points to the back of the "gym". He rolls his eyes and informs me that Furis has been challenging the members to wrestling matches. I ask him how Furis can afford to train at such a *cough* "fine" *cough* establishment. Amazingly the irony is lost on the employee but he informs me that the members have SO much fun kicking Furis' ass in the ring that the gym let him have a complimentary membership. I nod and tell the employee that I'm just here to interview Furis and he lets me pass. Wow, I didn't have to give the guy a dead fish or anything...my lucky day I guess.*
*I walk to the back area and see a rather large boxing/wrestling ring set up. It's in a state of disrepair and an even bigger state of dirt, and no I'm not talking about New Jersey (*rim shot*). Every time I see someone slammed down on the mat, a layer of dust shoots up in response. I finally see Furis standing outside with a small notepad while he intensely watching the action in the ring. I take a deep breath and approach him but am IMMEDIATELY shoved away by a large man.*
Large man: "No way pal, I'm next to beat on Count Punching Bag over there..."
*Furis sees the altercation and immediately gets between us and faces the large man.*
Furis: "No, no, do not vorry about him. He is not here to fall to me! He is my official interviewer! You are still next to face the HORRORS of Furis!"
*Large man chuckles and backs off as Furis turns to face me with a look of pride on his face*
Furis: "Do you see how they fear me now!? I COMMAND vespect!! All because of YOU and your gift!"
*Me..?*
Furis: "That D-V-D you gave me has turned my life avound!!
And...you've realized that you aren't a vampire and this whole thing is a TERRIBLE charade for attention?*
Furis: "No!! I have realized how to make my vampire powers even greater then ever!!
*Through savings and wise investment?*
Furis: "No!! Through learning the moves of the WARRIORS you showed me!"
*Y..you mean Orton, Khali, Masters....*
Furis: "Yes! Those lords of combat!! I have adopted some of their best moves and-"
*That...that's great. Should be a five star match then...*
Furis: "No, it will be easy! My powers of evil are now unbeatable!"
*Well, it's funny you mention that. Cause recently NDP announced who your opponent will be at Tribulation. And he seems to be a good "match" for your powers of evil. His name is Evan Divine.*
*Furis gets a look of shock on his face, followed by a large grin*
Furis: "YES!! I vill prove myself on the grandest stage...
**cough* curtain jerking* cough*
Furis: "Against the grandest opponent - The forces of good! I, the mighty and evil vampire Furis vill fight the forces of the Divine!!"
*I think he's just ONE man, but whatever...*
Furis: "And our match vill vepresent the eternal struggle of evil vs. good!"
*And unwatchable vs. watchable*
Furis: "Now I am more motivated then ever!! At first I thought I vas going to face a mere mortal and add him to my army! Now I vealize I can take out one of the biggest enemies to my cause! When the humans see how I take out one of their blessed angels, they vill cower in fear of my power!"
*And your ring work*
Furis: "Evan Divine...you have been called on to stop me but it is too late. Thanks to the D-V-D gift of this ignorant mortal, mankind is doomed to fall before me!
*Uhh? You just call me ignorant, bitch?*
Furis: "You vill not raise your voice at me when you see what I am now capable of!"
*Count Bitchcakes over there gets into the ring and is followed by the large man from before.*
*What follows is one of the most pathetic displays of humanity, not just ring work, that I have ever seen. Furis proceeds to take a beating like I've never seen before. The man is defenseless, he can't counter anything! Occasionally, his opponent lets him try to get a shot in but then counters him. The best part? Furis is acting like he's not hurt at all. That's right...he has mastered the "No-sell" of the Great Khali....*
Furis: "I am the GREAT FURIS!"
*His opponent gives Furis a free shot and he takes advantage with a Khali chop. The guy grins and then falls down..obviously from laughter. Furis then gets behind the guy and gets him in a full-nelson*
Furis: "Thanks to the teachings of Chris Masters, now no one can break "FANGS OF FURIS!"
*Maybe the public health board...*
*Furis lets go of his opponent, who appears unharmed but a bit peeved that Furis is biting his neck, and then does a certain douchebag pose. He proceeds to botch an RKO. Wait...my mistake, that's redundant. He "hits" the RKO and then proceeds to pin his opponent. Immediately after the 3 count, the opponent throws Furis off of him, laughs, and leaves the ring as the rest of the guys point at Furis and grin.*
Furis: "A-ha!! Another mortal has fallen to the might of Furis! And his fellow man mocks him!"
*Yep...Us CRAZY mortals with our pointing IN the ring when we want to mock someone outside of it...!*
Furis: "Now you have seen my ability in the ring! I vill show NDP that I am the best vrestler in the vorld when I destroy Evan Divine!!"
*And when you destroys any chance of people buying the Tribulation replay or DVD*
Furis: "No one vill be able to vatch the horrors of my match twice!! So I have learned quite vell from the masters of the ring that you showed me, yes?"
*Yeah, you really seem to have captured the essence of guys like Masters, Khali, and Orto-
*Suddenly a loud voice is heard as someone comes running to the ring with an angry look and carrying an open gym bag away from their body*
Angry man: "Hey! Who da f*ck pitched a loaf in my bag!?"
*I see a look of confused amusement on Furis' face as he rolls out of view and hides under the ring. This opportunity is as good as any for me take my leave. All I know is that things have seemingly gotten WORSE with this assignment. NDP has no idea what they are in for at Tribulation, and neither does Evan Divine. Hopefully Evan will have a good enough career to be able to forget this upcoming fiasco of a match*
*As I go up the staircase to his apartment, I'm met by a somewhat familiar face, Furis' neighbor.*
Neighbor: "Hey! Aren't you da guy who do the interviewin for that fruitcake neighbor o' mine?"
*Yes...unfortunately.*
Neighbor: "Well he ain't here right now. I think he went to his gym."
*A gym...that he can AFFORD?*
Neighbor: "How do I know, buddy? I'm just his neighbor! I think it's some run down place a block over. He's been going there a lot."
*How do you kno-?*
Neighbor: "Cause he keep tryin to tell me bout it! I don wanna hear it but he don evar shaddup!"
*So..he's training hard...*
Neighbor: "Who do I look like? Mickey from Rocky? Just go to da gym and find out, ok?"
*Ok, ok, um, thanks. And just between you and me, if my plan works, NEITHER of us will have to deal with him much longer.*
*The neighbor smiles a look of recognition*
Neighbor: "Ahh, you gonna rub him out, huh? I don't know nothin bout that... *touches his nose*
*No...nothing that violent...but far more humorous. Thank you for your help sir*
Neighbor: "Fuhgettaboutit!"
*Thanks but I'd prefer to repress it. Later.*
*I leave the building and walk down the street until I see a building with the word "Gym" on it...with the "G" and "Y" slightly askew..ok, UPSIDEDOWN. This must be the fine fitness establishment that Furis is currently a member of. I hold my nose in anticipation and walk through the doors in fear.*[/i]
*Ugh...I've seen cleaner public restrooms... I've SMELLED cleaner public restrooms then this place. A rank odor resembling a microwaved turd in a sweat sock greets me as I recoil back and grasp for the remnants of outside air. The man...troll...worker in the front asks me what I'm here for. I identify myself as "a concerned friend of humanity" and receive a dirty look. I say I'm here to rid NDP and the US of a vampire and he immediately perks up and points to the back of the "gym". He rolls his eyes and informs me that Furis has been challenging the members to wrestling matches. I ask him how Furis can afford to train at such a *cough* "fine" *cough* establishment. Amazingly the irony is lost on the employee but he informs me that the members have SO much fun kicking Furis' ass in the ring that the gym let him have a complimentary membership. I nod and tell the employee that I'm just here to interview Furis and he lets me pass. Wow, I didn't have to give the guy a dead fish or anything...my lucky day I guess.*
*I walk to the back area and see a rather large boxing/wrestling ring set up. It's in a state of disrepair and an even bigger state of dirt, and no I'm not talking about New Jersey (*rim shot*). Every time I see someone slammed down on the mat, a layer of dust shoots up in response. I finally see Furis standing outside with a small notepad while he intensely watching the action in the ring. I take a deep breath and approach him but am IMMEDIATELY shoved away by a large man.*
Large man: "No way pal, I'm next to beat on Count Punching Bag over there..."
*Furis sees the altercation and immediately gets between us and faces the large man.*
Furis: "No, no, do not vorry about him. He is not here to fall to me! He is my official interviewer! You are still next to face the HORRORS of Furis!"
*Large man chuckles and backs off as Furis turns to face me with a look of pride on his face*
Furis: "Do you see how they fear me now!? I COMMAND vespect!! All because of YOU and your gift!"
*Me..?*
Furis: "That D-V-D you gave me has turned my life avound!!
And...you've realized that you aren't a vampire and this whole thing is a TERRIBLE charade for attention?*
Furis: "No!! I have realized how to make my vampire powers even greater then ever!!
*Through savings and wise investment?*
Furis: "No!! Through learning the moves of the WARRIORS you showed me!"
*Y..you mean Orton, Khali, Masters....*
Furis: "Yes! Those lords of combat!! I have adopted some of their best moves and-"
*That...that's great. Should be a five star match then...*
Furis: "No, it will be easy! My powers of evil are now unbeatable!"
*Well, it's funny you mention that. Cause recently NDP announced who your opponent will be at Tribulation. And he seems to be a good "match" for your powers of evil. His name is Evan Divine.*
*Furis gets a look of shock on his face, followed by a large grin*
Furis: "YES!! I vill prove myself on the grandest stage...
**cough* curtain jerking* cough*
Furis: "Against the grandest opponent - The forces of good! I, the mighty and evil vampire Furis vill fight the forces of the Divine!!"
*I think he's just ONE man, but whatever...*
Furis: "And our match vill vepresent the eternal struggle of evil vs. good!"
*And unwatchable vs. watchable*
Furis: "Now I am more motivated then ever!! At first I thought I vas going to face a mere mortal and add him to my army! Now I vealize I can take out one of the biggest enemies to my cause! When the humans see how I take out one of their blessed angels, they vill cower in fear of my power!"
*And your ring work*
Furis: "Evan Divine...you have been called on to stop me but it is too late. Thanks to the D-V-D gift of this ignorant mortal, mankind is doomed to fall before me!
*Uhh? You just call me ignorant, bitch?*
Furis: "You vill not raise your voice at me when you see what I am now capable of!"
*Count Bitchcakes over there gets into the ring and is followed by the large man from before.*
*What follows is one of the most pathetic displays of humanity, not just ring work, that I have ever seen. Furis proceeds to take a beating like I've never seen before. The man is defenseless, he can't counter anything! Occasionally, his opponent lets him try to get a shot in but then counters him. The best part? Furis is acting like he's not hurt at all. That's right...he has mastered the "No-sell" of the Great Khali....*
Furis: "I am the GREAT FURIS!"
*His opponent gives Furis a free shot and he takes advantage with a Khali chop. The guy grins and then falls down..obviously from laughter. Furis then gets behind the guy and gets him in a full-nelson*
Furis: "Thanks to the teachings of Chris Masters, now no one can break "FANGS OF FURIS!"
*Maybe the public health board...*
*Furis lets go of his opponent, who appears unharmed but a bit peeved that Furis is biting his neck, and then does a certain douchebag pose. He proceeds to botch an RKO. Wait...my mistake, that's redundant. He "hits" the RKO and then proceeds to pin his opponent. Immediately after the 3 count, the opponent throws Furis off of him, laughs, and leaves the ring as the rest of the guys point at Furis and grin.*
Furis: "A-ha!! Another mortal has fallen to the might of Furis! And his fellow man mocks him!"
*Yep...Us CRAZY mortals with our pointing IN the ring when we want to mock someone outside of it...!*
Furis: "Now you have seen my ability in the ring! I vill show NDP that I am the best vrestler in the vorld when I destroy Evan Divine!!"
*And when you destroys any chance of people buying the Tribulation replay or DVD*
Furis: "No one vill be able to vatch the horrors of my match twice!! So I have learned quite vell from the masters of the ring that you showed me, yes?"
*Yeah, you really seem to have captured the essence of guys like Masters, Khali, and Orto-
*Suddenly a loud voice is heard as someone comes running to the ring with an angry look and carrying an open gym bag away from their body*
Angry man: "Hey! Who da f*ck pitched a loaf in my bag!?"
*I see a look of confused amusement on Furis' face as he rolls out of view and hides under the ring. This opportunity is as good as any for me take my leave. All I know is that things have seemingly gotten WORSE with this assignment. NDP has no idea what they are in for at Tribulation, and neither does Evan Divine. Hopefully Evan will have a good enough career to be able to forget this upcoming fiasco of a match*