Jakob Furis goes NYC Clubbin!

[orochigeese]

(OG Note: This is Part 1 of a 3-part promo that will be posted over the next week or so!)


*The sun has gone down on this Saturday of summer nights as we approach a familiar building in midtown NYC. As we get closer, we see a familiar and rather undesirable figure rapidly gesturing to us. Sigh...it's that fruitcake Furis again. He runs to us while pointing at his shoddy wooden timepiece.*

Jakob: "Ahh, you have finally made it! What took you so long!?"

*Yeah, i'd have gotten here sooner except...well, i didn't want to. *Shrugs*

Jakob: "Of course you didn't! For I am a scary vampire and you fear my undead power!"

*Yawn....moving right along, why did you tell NDP to send me here? I really don't LIKE it here and you are the last pers...thing i'd want accompanying me.*

Jakob: "Of course! You'd vant a mighty vampire hunter to protect you from me!!"

*I was thinking along the lines of a female...but...*

Jakob: "You see! Where you lust for companionship, I lust for blood!"

*Into the rough stuff?*

Jakob: "You mock me again!"

*Can we get on with this? I really really dislike you.*

Jakob: "You dislike what you fear! And tonight I will continue the horrors of my plan! For I vill show the vorld vhy I came to this city on the vay to NDP!"

*So where are "ve" going tonight, you cun...i mean, Count?*

Jakob: "VE are going to find an army for me! So that I may march into NDP with my vampire brethren and feast on the blood of NDP vesltlers!"

*A vampire army? Here, in NYC? Someone's been watching "VAY" too many movies....*

Jakob: "Oh, I assure you, this is not a movie! This is VEAL!"

*Hey, you know, NYC has some pretty good italian restaurants. How about I go to one of them, get some veal, and you can email me later. My email address is gosuckyourself@..*

Jakob: "NO! You vill come vith me and vitness my gathering first hand!"

*Fine, fine...from the looks of your apartment last week, its doubtful you even have an internet connection. So...where are you going to start recruiting?*

Jakob: "I have heard many vumors...

*Huh?*

Jakob: "VUMORS! VEPORTS! Many vumors about an underground group of vampires that engage in sinful acts of idle pleasure. I wish to gather them from their parties and mobilize them to go to NDP!"

*Ohhhh, you mean those wannabe-vampire Goth clubs!*

*Jakob's eyes open widely as a look of shocked enthusiasm comes to his face*

Jakob: "The GOTHS!? They are here!? In THIS city!? Vonderful! The Visigoths will help me take over NDP! Centuries ago, mighty Rome fell from the Goths alliance with my kind and so vill our enemies fall again today!"

*Whoa...put back your history book. professor, I'm talking about the goth KIDS, the awkward pasty teens who think they are vampires. They dress in black and wear dark makeup but aren't real...*

*Jakob laughs maniacally...fitting for a maniac*

Jakob: "Ve shall see if they are veal or not! Only a true vampire like me can verify their unholiness!"

*Ahh, the ole "takes one to know one" test! So i guess the werevolves were the ones who used the "I know you are, but what am I" defense. Second only to the expert mummy "rubber/glue identity characterization" strategy*

Jakob: "Do not speak of vivals. We have much vork ahead of us! But first..."

*Jakob looks at us somewhat quizzically*

Jakob: "Do you know vhere these clubs are?"

*What...you mean...*laughs*...YOU don't know where these clubs are!? I thought YOU could easily scope them out! Can't you sniff their scent with your nose or something? How the hell am I supposed to know where those goths are? They might not have yet left their parents houses in the suburbs to arrive here tonight!*

Jakob: "You know this city, yes?"

*Yeah, i know ENOUGH of it not to be around here often. Freaks like you are just icing on the rancid cake.*

Jakob: "Vhatever places you dislike and fear, take me THERE. Your fears will lead me to my own horrific kind!"

*Fine...we'll need a cab. I'm not "valking" there."

Jakob: "Cab?"

*Cab, taxi, automobile. Any of this getting through to you?*

Jakob: "I travel as a bat vherever i wish to go!"

*Yeah...I don't. So either come with me and pay the cab fare, or I'm leaving.*

Jakob: "Fine, fine!"

*I attempt to hail a cab for a few minutes. All the while Jakob is running about trying to hail a cab by gnashing his teeth at them. When he is confused at the unfavorable response, I quickly explain the NYC significance of the taxidriver's "middle hand digit." Once he settles down, a cab picks us up. I tell the driver the address of a block of clubs that might interest Jakob and we begin our epic search for the SUCK.*

*To be continued*

[orochigeese]

(OOC: My color editing for Jakob's RP's look shitty with the blue background, so i'm "skipping ahead" a post to get to the black background, LOL. Your eyes will thank you!)

[orochigeese]

("Jakob goes clubbering" Part 2 of 3)


Jakob: "Vhere are ve headed?"

*I know an area that has a bunch of underground clubs you might like. When we get there, you can choose the most "evil" of them. And i'm guessing you'll do so by the most expensive cover charge.*

Jakob: "Money is no concern, I am a vich Count from Transylvania!"

*The taxi driver turns around and rolls his eyes.*[/color]

*A few minutes of silence allow me to collect my thoughts. Why do I keep getting chosen to narrate? In any case, Jakob seems content looking through the cab windows at the city and the people. Sometimes he disturbingly licks his lips after eyeing certain people. Suddenly, he gestures to me at a tall building.*

Jakob: "Vhat is that place?"

*Oh, that? That's the Orochi-O's Tower. It's owned by cereal magnate, OrochiGeese. Some evil stuff goes down there, you don't want any part of that, trust me. Weird twisted stuff.*

Jakob: "Nothing is more evil and twisted then me!!"

*At that point, the taxi stops at a red light. A small door on the ground floor of the Orochi-O's building opens and a big yellow object begins running up to the car.*

Jakob: "Vait...VHAT IS THAT!?"

*Oh SHIT! Driver, lock the doors, roll up the windows! Brace for Goosepact!*

*The windows roll up in time but we are stuck at the red light. The yellow Goose creature presses its body to the glass, stares at us with its mouth leaking saliva, and starts humping the car. Jakob stays still: I sense he is quite scared yet too macho to show it. I suffer no such bravado as I wet myself...repeatedly. Finally after enduring sights and sounds too bizarre to want to convey or remember, the light turns green and the car zooms away from its hellish encounter. I repeatedly assure the driver that NDP will pay for replacing the now violat...broken tail pipe of his car*

*I...I bet Transylvania is looking pretty normal right now, eh Jakob?*

Jakob: "Bah, I saw no veal evil in that creature's eyes"

*That's cause you were safe in the car and wearing pants, and you should be damn glad you were.*

Jakob: "I am not afraid of ANYTHING. Now, driver, I vant to meet my brothers in blood! Faster!"

*Well, an attempted Goosing didn't slow you down, maybe you'll like these clubs after all.*

Jakob: "Driver! Are ve close to our destination!?"

*The driver turns around, flips off Jakob, and goes back to his task.*

*I'd take THAT as a "yes", Jakob, now just sit back and relax. Unless you want to "talk" about what happened back there with the Goose. Did that upset you?*

Jakob: "NO! Nothing upsets me! I am the Mighty Count Jakob! I suck more...

*Nope...not using the "S" word after a Goose attack. Sorry, time for a new topic now.*

*More silence. After about five more minutes, the cab driver slows the car down to a stop at the curb and turns to us. I see we are at our destination and I have Jakob pay the fare with his crumpled up dollar bills. The cab driver is none too amused but is so shaken from the Goosing that he just wants to end his shift as soon as possible. I hardly blame him. Jakob and I get out of the cab as it starts so skid away. We walk along the block looking at all of the clubs with novelty "evil" names*

Jakob: "All these names! Do they understand the evil meaning of them!?"

*We see cheesy names such as "Nosfera2night", "Wrecked Necks", "VampBeer," "Goth Sloth"*

*Well, Jakey old boy, which one of these gets your blood pumping the most?*

Jakob: "Don't call me that, and NONE of these places do it for me. They are all fake!"


*Well then...where DO you want to go? This is the best area in the city, just find a damn club!*

Jakob: "Why...*Jakob looks around* why are so many humans valking about at nightfall? Don't they KNOW I'm a vampire and vill devour them! They are not safe at this hour! This hour belongs to MY kind!"

*Yeah, they don't care, they're always out at night. Yanno, its the "city that never sleeps?"*

Jakob: "Madness! But soon my vampire army and I will rule the night alone! The army I vill find...THERE!"

*Jakob does a 180 and points across the street to a smaller club called "Stealthy Sin." He leads the way as we both walk up to the shoddy building but are stopped by bouncers. One bouncer is a tall, bulky man in his late 20's with a shaved head, a lot of tattoos, and a pencil thin black beard. The other bouncer is a woman in her early 20's. She's covered in gothic cross tattoos, piercings, and black clothing. Her hair is died black and she is wearing heavy eye shadow. She lazily motions for our ID's with her hand.

Jakob: "My brethren, I am here to lead you all! I am Count Jakob Furis!"

Guy: "Is this a joke? Who do you think you are pulling that fake "Count" crap around here? You trying to mock us? We be the REAL deal, grampa!"

Jakob: "I assure you I am very veal! I am a VAMPIRE from TRANSYLVANIA!"

Girl: "Whatever, the retro vamp look is IN these days. We can let this "grampa Dracula" act in as long as he has two things. Money and proof of blood. Now let's see some ID..."

*"Grampa Dracula", that's kinda funny *I laugh*

Guy: "What are YOU laughin at, fleshbag?"

*Um..."fleshbag"?*

Jakob: "Please, my friends. He is only here to document the fall of mankind as seen by one of their own!"

Girl: "Whatever, he can come in too, but YOU have to be responsible for him. But first, money AND ID."

*Jakob hands both bouncers some crumpled up bills and a rusty old ID. I motion to give my ID but am pushed away by the male bouncer. The girl studies Jakob's ID closely, whispers to the other bouncer, and then gives the ID back to Jakob while donning a look of sarcastic disappointment.*

Girl: "Sorry KID..."

Jakob: "You said I could bring him in!"

Girl: "No, not him, i mean YOU, Mr. Count. You dress old school but you're just a boy! You're too YOUNG for our club. We only allow in vampires here that are over 2100 years of age."

*I'd comment, but i'm too preoccupied with the "fleshbag" remark from before...*

Jakob: "I...think you two should veconsider...I'm young but quite vich in power...and money!"

*The male bouncer looks at the crumpled up bills, throws them back at Jakob, and laughs. Jakob turns to me with a look of resignation...then his face contorts into a grand smile*

Jakob: "Let this be a lesson for vhat happens to all those that LAUGH at Count Jakob Furis!"

*Jakob suddenly turns around and launches his left hand into the air. He starts chant...mumbling some nonsense as the male bouncers' eyes start to rapidly cycle between dilation and constriction. The bouncers eyes then suddenly roll up into his head and he drops right when Jakob violently drops his own hand to his sides. Jakob smiles and then thrusts himself against the girl bouncer, pinning her to the wall. His head gets real close to her face and neck as he sniffs her. He whispers something to her softly that is not quite audible to anyone but them. Her face turns pale...more pale... and she starts nodding her head yes. He backs up, she moves away and opens the door for Jakob and I. As we walk past, I look to her to apologize for Jakob's actions but she gnashes her teeth at me, fake fangs and all.*

*So, um, Jakob...what the hell did you just do there and should she have been wearing protection?*

Jakob: "A-ha! Now you see my powers!! I vill tell you more once we are inside..."

*I shrug and follow him into the building. We enter a very dank looking hallway that leads to an old stairwell. In the distance, some sort of unholy (as in, sucktacular) mixture of goth and techno music is heard. Great, bad company AND music. Yanno...something tells me this is not gonna be one of the best NYC club experience I've ever had...and, believe me, that's saying something...*


*To be continued AGAIN!*

[orochigeese]

(RP in next post, no blue background for Jakob!)

[orochigeese]

("Jakob goes Clubberin" Part 3/3)


*After what "seemed" like an entire week of walking, we FINALLY make it through the dank hallway of the "Stealthy Sin" club. Jakob seems excited to finally meet some of his "own kind" in this club. He leads the way down the old staircase in front of us. He eyes some of the rats in a hungry fashion but seems to be abstaining from following through on his external needs.*[/color]

*Not enough meat on those rats for you, eh?*

Jakob: "I vish to feast on the finest meals and not spoil my appetite with those."

*The ole "no cookies before dinner" philosophy. Understood.*

Jakob: "I varn you...the sights you will experience in this place...you might not be veady for them. If you even survive, you vill have nightmares for the rest of your short life from the horrors you vill witness!"

*Yeah, man, i hear you...NYC drink prices are freaking HELLISH! Don't get me started on how loud the music usually is. And every girl wears too much makeup! WHORES, I tell you, scary whores!*

Jakob: "You STILL doubt me and my kind after you saw my powers out there with the bouncer?"

*Listen...that was cute, all right. But just like your little "bat trick" last time, I'm sure it was some of your usual shenanigans. You either drugged the guy or "your kind" all share some kind of "Secret fake vampire handshake" where if one of you hold your hand up in the air, the other one acts like they are getting a magic handjob and then falls to the floor once its done. As I said, I've seen worse in this city.*

Jakob: "And don't you want to know what I whispered into the voman's ear?"

*No, no, no, i don't want to hear your cheesy pickup lines! I'm sure it was something like. "Suck me" or "is that a wooden stake in my pocket or am I just happy to see you."

*Jakob gets very angry*

Jakob: "DO NOT MENTION A STAKE IN FRONT OF ME OR IN FRONT OF MY BRETHREN!"

*Yeah, whatever....sorry for scaring you. But now that you bring it up, what DID you say to that woman? Or did you just breathe on her neck and make her feel icky?*

Jakob: "I vhispered.."

*Wait, Visper Karr is gonna be here?! SWEET! Dude, that chick is so freaking hawt...*

Jakob: "NO! Vhispered...talked softly! I vhispered to the voman an ancient vampire incantation. It made her helpless to resist my charms! She is now under my power!

*At least until she goes back to working at the mall tomorrow, I think she's the "Bath and Body Works" saleslady during the day. She once threw me out for smelling some lotion on her hand.*

Jakob: "I think I see vhy NDP placed you vith me, afterall..."

*Hey, you don't get to make fun of me!! You're the veirdo!!"

*Jakob grins confidently as we are at the bottom of the stairwell. He opens the door to the main room of the club and we are smacked with a wall of loud industrial gothic music. Everyone is dressed like they are out of one of those underground vampire clubs from Blade and are "power dancing". There are even assorted "Fake I-V stations" where red colored alcohol is being dispersed.*

*So Jakey, you gonna do the Lindy-hop over there with them and try to land a chick, or are you gonna get a drink first? Put me down for 2 CC"s of whatever that red stuff is.*

Jakob: "I am not Jakey!! And that red stuff is not meant for your kind! It is blood!!"

*Yahhh, sure. And I bet those girls over there are 21 too! Or even 18...*

Jakob: "It IS blood! That is what my kind needs to survive! And we vill go and get some, in time. But let us first get a table so that I may survey the voom and then recruit the most dangerous of my brethren!"

*Ahh, your feet hurt, ok, that's fine. That was a LONG ass hallway after all. So, how about this? You go get a table and I'm gonna find the bathroom. I have to um. "freshen up" after that Goose attack from before."

Jakob: "You smell like pee! HA HA HA!"

*Unfortunately, I could nary argue with that observation. So, with that said, I quickly went to the bathroom and left Jakob alone for a few moments. I will not fully recount my adventures in the bathroom but, suffice to say, I've never seen so many unfunny "suck" jokes and phone numbers written on a bathroom stall. I won't dare mention the debauchery going on in the stall next to me. I also seemed to get more of a dirty look from patrons after I washed my hands then I did from not being dressed like a vampire and being, presumably, a human being. When I emerged, I noticed a lady was talking to Jakob. As I got closer, I saw that there was a scowl on her face and she was screaming at him. Finally, she slapped him and walked off. I contained my laughter and attempted to look concerned as I went to the table.*

*Ahh, Jakob, you ole dog you. Trying to get some play, huh? I'm sure you'll get someone's number tonight. Just be persistent! There are plenty of vampy sluts about!*

Jakob: "No, no...she did not seem to understand what I told her. I told her that together we could suck everyone dry! All the NDP vrestlers dry! And that she could be my Vampire Queen!"

*Wow...and THAT didn't win her over? I'm telling you Jake...women today! Such high standards!*

Jakob: "Just as vell, I vill find someone else!"

*That's the spirit! How about that chick over there? Black eye shadow, black clothes, black hair, black drink....eew, what IS that? TAR?*

*The woman dressed in black with the black drink comes over to see Jakob.*

Jakob: "That is not a black drink, it is dark crimson red. It is a type of blood cocktail that is made with the blood of both humans and animals mixed together. Very potent and filled with nutrients!"

*Wow...uh...yum...bottoms up?*

*Jakob stops paying attention to me and starts chatting with the new girl. After what I can only describe as "PURE F"N TECHNICAL SEXUAL HARRESSMENT" by Jakob, in both words and gestures towards the neck, the woman slaps Jakob, knees him in the groin, and then throws her drink at him.*

*Yeah...usually when you do something like THAT...the womenfolks aren't so glad to see it. I'm guessing you either didn't learn that in junior high or vampire girls are different.*

*Jakob appears angry and contemplative*

*What is it, Big J?*

Jakob: "Your nicknames annoy and confuse me. But what annoys and confuses me MORE is the behavior of that voman. Not only did she not understand the meaning of vhat I said, but she also vasted her drink! She needs that drink to live and she threw it away! Vhat vampire throws away perfectly good blood!?"

*Is that a riddle? Hmm is the answer..."to get to the other side?*

Jakob: "Could it be that these vampires are fake? Are they just pretending? I see them dressed like vampires and drinking blood and..."

*Wow...that's a serious accusation there Jak-off, uh, Jakob. I mean, someone faking that they are a vampire must have some MAJOR mental problems, right? *stifles laughter*

Jakob: "But is this even blood?

*Jakob uses his hand to clean off some of the "Blood cocktail" that was spilled on him. He licks it off his fingers and an appalled look immediately appears on his face*

Jakob: "THIS IS NOT BLOOD!! THIS IS ORDINARY MIXED FRUIT PUNCH VITH VUM IN IT!"

*Is it an Hawaiian Punch cocktail!? Is Punchy the Hawaiian Punch guy a vampire too!? WHAT A SCANDAL!

*Jakob begins to look very disallusioned and frustrated.*

Jakob: "I need...I need some time to further observe this place. Leave me to think in peace."

*Well, it shouldn't be TOO much longer til Jakob realizes all these people are posers. But to pass the time, I get one of those Hawaiian Punch Cocktails. Amazingly, it's not too expensive...though I'm guessing that's cause it was "diluted" by animal hawaiian punch too,*laughs*. Finally, the head bartender shouts out "Last Call, its 4am." Jakob looks shocked and stands up from his seat. He goes over to the sound system and shuts that off and starts to scream to the patrons and AT the bartender.

Jakob: "What do you MEAN "last call?" It's ONLY 4am! VE are vampires, ve are avake all night and vant to slake our lusts for blood! Vhy does this place close so early!?"

Bartender: "Listen buddy...I'm glad you're so "into the scene" but this room is closing to you guys soon to make room for the late night ravers. THEY stay up all night and are so drugged up out of their heads that they spend more money then you guys do."

Jakob: "NO! We vill not let you kick us out!! My brethren, stand up vith me against this turncoat! Do not let him kick us out! Ve are vampires, ve go and stay vhere ve vant!"

*The entire crowd starts laughing at Jakob, much to his shock and my amusement. Then some of the crowd members start flashing colored armbands to the bartender. The bartender nods at them as they then change their clothes from "faux vampire" to "major raver". The ones without armbands leave but seem to act completely different now then they did seconds before. Jakob can not believe his eyes and starts running around yelling at each person but is met with chidings.

Random faux vampire 1: "Dude, get out of my face. "Vampire time" is over, I'm going to get some pizza."

Random faux vampire 2: "You staying for the rave man? This vampire shit is getting boring."

Random faux vampire 3: "Nice costume, do you have one for the rave too?"

*Jakob can not take any more. He pushes everyone aside and RUNS out of the bar. I shrug, tip the waitress for the Hawaiian Punch, and then leave as well. As I get outside, I find Jakob pacing and cursing.*

Jakob: "FAKES! THEY VERE ALL FAKES!! NOT ONE OF THEM WAS A VEAL VAMPIRE!! I do not think there are ANY veal vampires in this city besides me!"

*And even then...*

Jakob: "This whole night vas a vaste!! This whole city is a vaste!"

*Yep...wasteful night, annoying city...pretty much everything I said at the start of tonight. So Jakob...now what? No vampire army for you to bring into NDP!*

*Jakob ponders this question for a few minutes. I lean up against the wall of the club waiting for him and whistle a vampire like tune, much to his chagrin. Finally, his eyes light up.*[/i]

Jakob: "If I can not bring vampires into NDP, I vill make vampires out of them! I vill make my own vampire army IN NDP, one vrestler at a time!

*That's great but...why didn't you just make the people in the CLUB into vampires? Then you could have had your vampire army, like you originally wanted, to bring to NDP. Just seems that if you are going to make an army, might as well do it how you planned and have one greater in number....

Jakob: "Insolence!! Those people were fakes, they mocked me and everything about vampires! I'd vather not have an army then have them! But I vill go to NDP and make an army out of unsuspecting vrestlers!"

*Eh, why do I bother to even argue?*

Jakob: "I am through with this city. It has failed me. It is now finally time to go to NDP. There, I will turn every vestler into a vampire under my control. And then I vill capture the NDP Heavyweight Championship so that I may be undisputed King of the Vampires! HA HA HA!

*HA HA HA...oh wait, sorry, I was laughing for a different reason then you were...

Jakob: "And now I vill go back to my apartment to prepare for my journey to NDP. I must leave you now, I vill see you in NDP vhen I arrive. Tell no one what you have seen here!

*...Um...I guess you didn't quite realize what it was I was doing here accompanying you to begin with...but SURE, my lips are sealed... secret vampire night out! *stifles laugh*

Jakob: "NDP...bevare! The time of Furis is upon you!"

*Jakob starts running with his hands out as if he was a bat. Curious as to how long it will take until he realizes he is like 50 blocks away from his apartment, I follow him for a bit. After a few blocks, I realize he is intent on actually RUNNING home, imagining he's a bat. I hail a taxi and try to think of a plea to NDP management to get out of "Furis Duty" for the future. I'm not too optimistic though...