Grilling up some STAKE

[orochigeese]

*We're standing in front of a UBL banner with "Mean" Jean Carter, the day after the May UBL Open. She's frowning, as she was stuck once again with the highly unenviable task of interviewing the modern marvel known as Jakob Furis. But Furis is late and she's just standing around looking impatiently at her watch. As this is happening, a man walks into the studio and approaches her.*

[Man:] "Hey."

[MJC:] "Uh, hi! Um, yeah, a little awkward. Listen, you LOOK familiar but your name is on the tip of my tongue and I burnt it earlier on hot pizza! Can you help a girl out!"

[Man:] "No prob, the name's John and I'm the NDP interviewer that was handed "Furis duty" by boss Moto."

[MJC:] "What? Bad Mojo?"

[John:] "No, no, Motosada, the boss of New Damage ProWrestling. NDP is where Furis started out-"

[MJC:] "Oh, so YOUR promotion is the one that first signed Furis! What the hell!! I mean, WHAT THE HELL!"

[John:] "I know, i know, but I had nothing to do with it. Between you and me, I've been trying to get this guy to go back to Transylvania, or the looney bin, or whatever, but he refuses to give up."

*MJC looks around carefully and lowers her voice to a whisper*

[MJC:] "Did you uh, hear what happened last weekend in Japan?"

[John:] "Just heard some news on the internet, a rumor that Furis actually won a match?"

[MJC:] "I saw the tape, John. It's...it's really creeping me out. I think he WON a legitimate match."

[John:] "Well listen, if you saw the first tape Furis sent us, you'll know that he has some decent tech people working for him. So I wouldn't trust anything from him that you don't see in person."

[MJC:] "I suppose so. Anyway, can I help you?"

[John:] "Well, I came here to see if I can help YOU."

*MJC blushes and lets out a girlish swoon*

[John:] "Um...with Furis, that is."

[MJC:] "Oh...yeah! With Furis! Help!!!!"

[John:] "I know I'm not an official interviewer for UBL. But if you'd let me, we can co-sponsor this under the NDP name as well. Since I have some general questions to ask Furis that touch on NDP issues as well. "

[MJC:] "Ok, I guess..WAIT, does this mean I don't have to go near him?!"

[John:] "BINGO."

*MJC quickly hugs an unsuspecting John and runs out of the room with a spring in her step. John smiles*

[John:] "For once, I got something good out of Furis duty!"

*John's smile turns to a frown as Jakob Furis then runs into the room with his cape around his face. Unlike usual, John looks ready to start a dialogue with the insufferable Furis! This interview STARTS NOW!*

[orochigeese]

(Next post for better color scheme)

[orochigeese]

*The tech guys get Furis and John all mic'd-up and ready*

[John:] "Hello fans of the Universal Battle League and New Damage ProWrestling. I'm here with none other then the vampire count himself, Jakob Furis."

[Furis:] "BEVARE OF JAKOB FURIS!"

[John:] "Yes, that's wonderful. Now, I've been following your career since the start and if I may so, I'm actually impressed with what I have been seeing from you recently."

[Furis:] "YES! FINALLY I GET VESPECT!"

[John:] "Yes, we're gonna talk about the whole "v" *John emphasizes the V sound* in a bit. But first, I'd like to hear your thoughts on how things have been going in your illustrious and not at all pathetic career."

[Furis:] "Two veeks ago-"

[John:] "You sure it's 'Veeks' *again emphasizes the V* right?"

[Furis:] "Yes...vhat?"

[John:] "Nothing, nothing, go on."

[Furis:] "Ok! Two veeks ago, I went to Japan-"

[John:] "Let me CUT you off right there. I've been told by management that this is a topic off limits."

[Furis:] "YES! FURIS IS THE GREATEST TABOO!! MY EVIL IS NOT ALLOWED TO BE DISCUSSED!"

[John:] "You're like Voldemort only...you must not be named cause you embarrass us."

[Furis:] "VHAT!?"

[John:] "Just tell us about your match with Karl Wunderlin last night."

[Furis:] "I vas about to beat Karl Vunderlin when-"

[John:] "Hold up, did you just say the "W" *emphasizes the W* in when?"

[Furis:] "VHEN! VHEN!! I vas about to beat Vunderlin when-"

[John:] "You just said it again!! Forget this! I'm through being nice."

[Furis:] "Forget vhat!?"

[John:] "I take back what I said earlier, you've made NO PROGRESS!"

[Furis:] "HOW DARE YOU-"

[John:] "Damn it Furis, you can't even get your f'n vampire accent right. Its still inconsistent! Don't you get it, you're not just pathetic cause you SUCK in the ring, you can't even manage to act the part right!"

[Furis:] "VHAT ARE YOU SAYING-"

[John:] "First off, it's been two years and you STILL don't know how to treat the letter "R". Do you turn it to a "V" or just keep it as an "R". Pick one and STICK with it. Secondly, you STILL manage to slip up and say the "W" sound when you want to be replacing it with "V". You just did it a second ago, we ALL heard."

[Furis:] "This...these are lies!"

[John:] "And remember when I said you had made progress? That's only cause you started off so damn CLUELESS. Tell me America, what f'n Vampire names his finishing move the "Stake through the heart? And why would you use a heart punch? You are supposed to be a VAMPIRE! Not a vampire hunter!! Just what the HELL were you thinking? Oh WAIT, you weren't thinking!! I'm just surprised you didn't manage to call it "steak" through the heart. Maybe you'd slowly finish opponents off with cholesterol...

*Furis is uncharacteristically (but mercifully) silent*

[John:] "It's like you didn't even manage to research the vampire LORE before you tried to act it out! We all saw right through your mistakes! But I guess, someone must have told you all this OR you must have had some bat f'n epiphany cause two weeks ago you stopped using it and instead went to a chokeslam to end a match! Why change moves, Furis? Especially since, in your mind, you had been so successful!?"

*Furis begins to walk away but John grabs his arm*

[John:] "Tell me Furis, just VHAT the hell are you? A vampire? A cheap circus act? You disgust EACH AND EVERY FAN who has ever seen you and if it was up to me, NDP would have gotten rid of you a long time ago. From what I've heard backstage, Drake Yoshida isn't all too happy about this charade either!!"

[Furis:] "For this insult, you vill pay with your life. Vhat you don't vealize-"

[John:] "Did it again..."

[Furis:] "VHAT YOU DON'T KNOW IS THAT I HAVE GIVEN EVERYONE A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY!! I know I have not von many matches and that is intentional! Because vhen you least expect it, I vill VEACH FOR THE NECKS OF MY ENEMIES AND SUCK THEM DRY!"

[John:] "Why not just rent out a Goose for a night, they might even put up with you. As for me, I've already exercised all the patience NDP's money can buy for this month. One more thing before I go though - Is that Indy James still storming your castle? Or was it Centurion? Or the Dods? Or Marquis?"

*John laughs while shaking his head and walks off the set*

[Furis:] "Vait...you! Come back! Which one is invading my castle now! I must know!?"

[John:] "You still don't get it, do ya fruitcake? Well, your act is getting real old and I doubt either promotion is gonna keep you around for much longer. A pathetic vampire is bad enough, but one that can't even play his part competently is even worse. Good luck out there, sunshine."

[Furis:] "I DO NOT FEAR SUN!! I VON A MATCH IN THE LAND OF THE RISI-"

*Furis' mic is cut quickly on order of Drake Yoshida and this interview ends with Furis storming out*