Jakob Furis

[orochigeese]

*Generic scary organ music greets us as we enter...a castle? Yeah, it looks like it! It is dark outside and the only illumination available to us comes from a number of gothic looking candelabras.*

*The sound of a deep voice laughing echoes through the castle*

*THUNDER STRIKES OUTSIDE*

*More laughing and scary music....and the voice returns*[/color]


Voice: "Greetings!"

*The voice sounds European...eastern European...Trans...no, its gotta JUST be Romanian, right? RIGHT?*

Voice: "No...you are NOT vight...for this is Transylvania!! HAHAHA!"

*More organ music...who the hell is playing that thing anyway? They're pretty good*

Voice: "My name...my name is Jakob Furis. You are now at my castle in Transylvania!"

*Wait...a castle...with organ music...in Transylvania? No..this can't be going where I think it's going...*

Jakob: "A-HAHA! I AM going where you fearfully say it is going! For I am a...

*Oh geez, no...e-feds are weird enough...we don't need a...*

Jakob: "VAMPIRE!"

*Organ music plays as the narrator groans*

Jakob: "You may be wondering...why am I addressing you, NDP?"

*I'm wondering a lot of stuff now Jake...*

Jakob: "That's Jakob! And I am here because I am also a vrestler!"

*Ex...excuse me? A vestler?*

Jakob: "Vrestler...vrestler...with a double u!"

*Ohhhh..."wrestler"...I get it...that whole Transyl-accenty dealie...great...*

Jakob: "That is right...I am from Transylvania and am the first vrestler-vampire!"

*...and the last?*

Jakob: "No! For I will make all of NDP into vampires! And I am going to suck...suck...suck..."

*Shit...that just about wrote itself...*

Jakob: "ALL YOUR BLOOD!"

*More thunder, lightning, and organ music*

Jakob: "NDP...prepare yourselves! For the feast of Furis!"

*Will there be punch and pie?*

Jakob: "I vill punch you and make pie out of your blood!"

*That's gotta be pretty high in calories and saturated fat. Can I interest you in a nutragrain bar instead?*

Jakob: "Just who the hell are you!?"

*I'm the smarky RP Narrator guy....i'm around in almost everyone's promos...I usually don't editorialize...but you...you're just ridiculous. And I don't get paid enough not to laugh at you.*

Jakob: "RP eh? How about RIP am I vite!?

*Wasn't that Hulk Hogan's name in "No Holds Barred?"*

Jakob: "I don't vatch American cinema! I have no time! Only time for vrestling and blood! BLOOD! BLOOD!"

*Well, you didn't miss much, that movie kinda sucked. That Zeus guy had even worse workrate then Hogan did...*

Jakob: "You're ruining my affect! I'm a scary guy! A vampire! I'm not vorried about vorkrate!!"

*sighs* Just f'n great then. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. So hey, by any chance...would your "time be now"? And will you be starting a "Blood gang" or "bucking slood"?*

Jakob: "Vord Afterlife?"

*I'm a'gonna go now and try to catch up with a LAWL wrestler or just someone other then you...*

Jakob: "You'll see...you'll ALL see! The blood of NDP belongs to me! And I vill claim it!"

*I'll give you $500 to fight Cro Cop...come on, take it, please. It will save both of us a lot of time...*

Jakob: "No..."


*Thunder hits, the lights go out, and Jakob disappears. I can only assume he teleported to America to fight in NDP. Or perhaps started piano lessons with that organ player. Sigh. Tough times ahead, NDP*

[orochigeese]

*We approach a moderately sized apartment building in midtown NYC. As we walk to the third floor to room 306, we feel the air getting chilly...as if, from some kind of unholy overused air conditioner! Just as we approach the door, it opens suddenly to reveal a familiar and...undesirable figure!*

Jakob Furis: "Velcome! Velcome! Do come in! Though I varn you, if you come in, you may NEVER come out!"

*I'll take my chances*

Jakob: "I am the one that called you here!"

*Yeah...that's becoming clearer. You know..i'm not an official NDP interviewer, i'm just the narrator. We really shouldn't be talking to each other at all, it's kinda forbidden.*

Jakob: "Don't tell ME about forbidden! For I am a vampire, I am forbidden!!!"

*A clap of thunder hits the building*

*Odd...it's not raining outside.*

*Random neighbor opens the door and peeks out*

RN: "Nah pal, that's just construction next door. Though your fruity friend over there thinks his "powers" cause that noise every time it happens."

Jakob: "I am not his friend! I am not ANYONE's friend! And I am not fruity! I am a vamp...

*Random neighbor shakes his head in disgust and closes the door again*


*Ok, so why did you call me here? As I said, i'm not an interviewer*

Jakob: "Yes...but you have alveady seen too much..."

*I'll say...*

Jakob: "So your fate is now linked to me. I vill use YOU to talk to the people. I can not tell anyone else my plans!"

*Me...i'm the one you plan to talk to?*

Jakob: "YES!"

*If you really ARE a vampire, then just do me in now...I don't know how much more of this I can take.*

Jakob: "Not just yet! For my plan to take the blood of NDP wrestlers is still beginning! I have started by moving from my home in Transylvania to this grand palace!"

*Peeks into room*

*Um, you moved to a small, studio apartment in NYC? NDP isn't even located in NYC.*

Jakob: "First, I vant to slake my blood thirst here!"

*Um, here, in THIS city, you can catch things MUCH worse then what you already have.*

Jakob: "Silence! Just come in and see my new den of horrors!"

*We enter the apart...room, and see a small window covered in black duct tape, a somewhat broken closet door, a stained futon, and one medium sized table.*

Jakob: "Vith my riches I can...

*Barely afford to pay rent?*

Jakob: "Ahh! You don't take me seriously, do you?"

*Just barely stifles laughter*

Jakob: "Fine...you don't believe I'm a dangerous vampire!? Then let me prove it to you and turn into a bat!"

*You...you go do that. Pick me up some McDonalds while you're out...*

*Jakob brings his arms in close and tucks his head into his chin. He then yells out "POOF" and...actually turns into a bat?*

0_o

...

*No....no, here's what REALLY happened; Jakob threw a smoke bomb onto the floor and quickly dropped and rolled under the table. Then he opened up his closet, allowing for a bat to fly out!*

Jakob: "No! You've got it alll vrong!! I am the bat!! Tremble at my powers!

*We peak under the table and see Jakob lying there trying to hide and throw his voice*

Jakob: "I...I quickly transformed back!"

*And teleported under the table?*

Jakob: "I am a powerful and crafty one! The NDP wrestlers had best watch out!"

*Yeah, or you might steal their wallets or something. Listen, I'm gonna go now...I'll send your message of eternal dumbna, um, damnation to NDP.*

Jakob: "No one vill escape my blood curse! Not even you!*

*I close the door*

*Jakob's muffled voice shouts from behind the door*

Jakob: "MWAHAHAHA! You can run but you can't hide!"

*Casually walks back out through the hallway and leaves building while Jakob continues his nonsensical shouting ramblings as his neighbors pound on the walls to try to quiet him down.*